Summary:
Your average fairy tale is a "CSI" episode waiting to happen, crammed with fraud, burglary, theft, battery and, on occasion, homicide. This particular arrest report from the Puck County Sheriff’s Office relates the arrest of Marsha Jenkins, who goes by the alias “Goldilocks.” This clever retelling of a classic fairytale casts the familiar story in the dry, jargon of a police report.
Sample:
Suspect: Marsha Jenkins
Alias: Goldilocks
DOB: 6/14/2003
Criminal Offense: Misdemeanor Criminal Mischief; Burglary
On today’s date at approximately 1734 this writer responded to 19140 Hollow Tree Drive
reference a residential burglary that had already occurred.
Upon arrival, I observed the residence to be a giant oak tree, dark brown in color, with a
thick spread of overhead branches, two second-story windows with blue shutters and a solid
red front door facing south.
In the front yard was a dun-colored adult grizzly bear wearing blue overalls, later identified
as Poppa Bear. I made contact with Poppa (DOB 10/14/64), who advised he had just arrived
home to discover a human female child sleeping in his cub’s bed. Poppa stated that he
woke up the girl, who immediately fled through a window at the rear of the residence into the
surrounding woods in a northwesterly direction.
I immediately requested through dispatch that a BOLO be issued for the suspect, described
by Poppa as approximately 8 or 9 years of age, with blonde hair, blue eyes and wearing
a blue-checked gingham dress and a white pinafore. Additionally I requested a K-9 unit
respond to begin tracking the suspect and an air unit to search the area. Units in the area
were directed to set up a perimeter.
I re-contacted Poppa, who invited writer inside his residence and offered me a honeyflavored
alcoholic beverage. I declined the offer, along with a request to review his bowling
trophies, and asked him to relay the day’s events.
Poppa advised that he, his wife, identified as Momma Bear (DOB 6/13/64) and his cub,
Junior, (DOB 1/12/2004), had sat down to a porridge breakfast at approximately 0730 of
today’s date. Upon discovering that the porridge was too hot to consume, Poppa suggested
the family take a walk through the woods. Momma disagreed, saying she would prefer to go
shopping. After a brief verbal argument, Poppa acquiesced.
Poppa stated that his family spent the rest of the day at various commercial establishments
and did not return until approximately 1710. Upon arrival with their purchases, Poppa
noticed that the front door was open; it had been closed when Poppa left, but he was unsure
if he had locked it. Poppa’s wife and cub followed him into the residence as he attempted
to locate the possible intruder. Poppa’s first observation was that the porridge left behind on
the kitchen table had been disturbed. Specifically, a bite had been taken from both his and
Momma’s bowl. Junior’s had been consumed in its entirety.
Poppa next investigated the living room, where his cub’s chair was in multiple pieces on the
floor. He advised that this greatly upset Junior because it had been a gift to him from his
grandfather, now deceased. Estimated value is $150.
Finding no intruder(s) on the ground floor of his residence, Poppa next explored upstairs.
Poppa advised that he has slept in a separate bedroom from Momma since his diagnosis
for chronic snoring. He noticed that the covers on his bed had been disturbed, but wasn’t
sure if Momma had made his bed that morning. However, he also observed that the covers
were on the floor of Momma’s bed and he could confirm that his wife had made her bed that
morning.
Concerned that an intruder could still be present in his residence, Poppa advised that he
extended the claws on his front paws, each approximately six inches in length, and bared
his fangs, each approximately four inches in length. With this defensive posture in place,
Poppa opened the door to the last unexplored room on the second floor, his cub’s room.
Poppa stated that he observed a young female human in his cub’s bed, apparently asleep.
Already upset about the burglary, Poppa admitted that he let loose with a fierce roar. This
immediately woke up the child and, in her terror at the sight of an 8-foot grizzly coming
towards her, she jumped out of the bedroom window immediately to the left of the bed.
Poppa expressed regret to this writer for his actions, but stated “a bear’s got to do what a
bear’s got to do.”
To Read More: http://www.amazon.com/Goldilocks-Three-Felons-Fairyland-ebook/dp/B009B1B3OQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349558078&sr=8-1&keywords=felons+in+fairyland
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